So, today is meant to be our wedding day. At 4pm this afternoon (technically midnight tonight if you count the time conversion) I am due to be walking down the aisle on a clifftop in Positano, Italy to marry the love of my life. My dress is hanging in the cupboard, along with my shoes and my earrings. The invitations were sent, the RSVPS were done, and an army 45 strong of our closest family and friends were booked to fly to the other-side of the world for a 7 day Italian extravaganza to celebrate our story.
Except some fucker ate a bat, so now thats not happening.
Yesterday I went for a walk, I was feeling ok, until one of my favourite songs came on. Coldplay, Till Kingdom Come, (if you havent heard this song before, get it up RIGHT NOW, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo49REpQCwA - and listen to the whole thing before proceeding.)
The rest of the walk I was a blubbering mess. I felt all the feels. So many fat tears shed for what today should have been. All the sadness that were not over the other-side of the world celebrating our love and making babies, but all the happiness that I still got to wake up with Ben, and will get to wake up with Ben every single day until one of us decides to cark it. I felt like I walked through the whole span of our relationship in my head listening to this song. I thought about how we met, the early days, the unsureness of brand new baby who is now 8, all of our hopes and dreams, all of the places we've travelled, the home we've built, the family we created, the lifetime we hope to have, and how filled my heart is by the man I was suppose to call my husband from this day forward. Again, all the feels.
"One, two
Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I never felt this way before"
I met this man of mine at Pyramid Rock Music Festival back on NYE of 2011. I believe it was fate. I hate musical festivals, they just aren't my scene, especially ones over NYE as I love spending it down the beach with my family. I was convinced to come along to this one, i'm fairly sure I even sold my ticket and then re-purchased one. We were camping with a bunch of friends, and he happen to be camping 2 sites over, in a giant old school bus. I remember sitting in the back of my friends ute when I saw him for the first time. He was wearing the most hideous outfit (soz not soz Ben) - of knee bashing Billabong boardies, a blue singlet, white oakleys and a sombrero (fez). I dont know how to describe the feeling when you finally see the person you know is your person, but its an odd one. I remember getting a feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I was finally seeing the person I had been searching and waiting for all along, and I turned to my friend and said "Im going to marry that man over there"... Im fairly sure they screwed their nose up. It was love at first sight. Always trust your gut.
"And the wheels just keep on turning The drummer begins to drum I don't know which way I'm going I don't know which way I've come"
Pyramid Rock came and went, I spoke a few sentences to Ben after trying to throw myself at him for 3 days, but all in all apart from a few brief moments, he hardly remembers meeting me. I went home and turned into a full blown FBI agent, facebook, instagram and any other social media platform I could find got a red hot workout. There wasn't a trace of him anywhere. So I resorted to the yellow pages... yes, I know. Eventually, my stalking skills came through with the goods and I discovered his sister who he is very close with, was a friend of a friends, friend... a shitty lead, but it worked. I proceeded to head out every single weekend with that group of people, hoping he would show up and I'd be able to try again to convince him I was his future wife, but he never showed up.
Little did I know, behind the scenes of this whole situation, Ben had an ex partner who was pregnant with our Heatho at the time (Just to clarify, they were not together during the pregnancy, I know, it's like an episode of Neighbours - im now friends with said ex, hello Sham!). At Pyramid rock she was almost full term, so safe to say the last thing on Bens mind was meeting someone new.
After going out for 6 weeks hoping to find Ben, I was working at the door of a charity event we had put together, and he walked in. As soon as Id finished my formal eventing duties, I had a plan to go and find him and ask him out, except when I went to find him he was gone. Heath was born that night.
A week or two later, I eventually admitted to his sisters friend what I'd been doing all along. Through this he eventually got wind that there was a brunette girl on the town STALKING his ass and desperate to meet with him. He showed up the following week to a group drinks, and finally asked me out on a date (YASSSSSS).
The night before our first date the following week, he added me on facebook, and I discovered he had a baby... like a brand new fresh human breathing baby - I was 19.... holy shit is exactly right. Heath was only a few weeks old at this stage. I thought about cancelling the date, making up some excuse to get out of it - but my gut kept telling me it was right. So I went. Ben told me his whole story, everything that had bought him up until this exact moment over spring rolls at Peking Land with me. I remember him saying "If you want to run, run, I dont blame you". I went home and thought long and hard about everything we spoke about. I remember thinking I had two choices, I could either run, like he said, or stay. I knew staying meant spending the next few days rearranging what my future had always looked like in my head, and that I had to find room in my heart to love both him and his baby equally. Everyone I know but two people (I still remember who they are) told me to run for the hills. Everyone told me I was crazy, and that I should be bolting fast and hard in the other direction. But deep down inside I knew he was it. He was the one i'd been waiting for. And as they say, the rest is history.
Hold my head inside your hands I need someone who understands I need someone, someone who hears For you, I've waited all these years
For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
For those of you know Ben, you would know he is nothing like me in personality. My complete opposite, but inside we have a-lot in common. He appears quiet, calm and gentle. Strong, silent, and rough and tough. A man of few words, he is clever and creative, so very smart, a very private person. He's loving, caring and very very funny, but only to those that know him most. He'll make you believe not much phases him, "shell be right" - is a common phrase in our house. But I know deep down he thinks all the things. He will give absolutely anything a go, and usually nail it the first time. Since the day he came into my life, he has done nothing but love me, support me in absolutely everything I ever choose to do, build things for us and our future, help bring together my crazy plans, and give in to my hug demands 10 times a day. He's the kind of man who will turn up at home with two baby pigs just to see a smile back on your face. Thats the kind of man Ben is.
I was 19 when I met Ben, and ill be 6 days shy of 29 by the time i'm now due to marry him next year. Thats 10 years between, a pretty big transformative 10 years. Ben has watched me grow and i've also watched him. When I look back on our life together, its been messy, chaotic, busy and so filled. Filled with lots of laughter, lots of tears, lots of travelling, cooking, happiness, surprises and mud, so much mud. All my big life dreams to date have come to fruition because of him, and our life together has been so so full, full of each-other. We've seen each-other completely change as people, but If I had the chance to go back and change anything about us before today, I wouldn't change a single thing.
In your tears and in your blood In your fire and in your flood I hear you laugh, I heard you sing I wouldn't change a single thing
As an event stylist, I have planned so many weddings. So many special days for so many other people. I think i've helped over 100 brides walk down the aisle, thats over 100 vows i've watched and cried over. Since I was a little girl i've dreamt long and hard about what my wedding day would look like. But when your 9, I dont think you think that long and hard about the thing that matters most about a wedding - the person your going to marry. Cancelling this wedding has put so many of our special plans on hold. Lots of places we wanted to see, things we wanted to do, babies we so desperately wanted to join us. So for now ill just have to be patient. To keep on waiting and hoping that maybe one day it will finally be my turn to be the one on the receiving end of the vows I so often cry over.
I have no idea what the future holds, and I have no idea if the wedding we have postponed to next year will even go ahead. If the last 3 months have taught me anything, its that tomorrow isn't certain... and bats can fuck you up in a big way.
BUT, there are a few things I am certain about.
Life doesn't always go to plan, but it doesn't mean its not the right plan for you.
I have no idea whats in store for us, but as long as were together I dont mind.
I know the sun still rises and sets, with or without a vow.
I know the world still turns around and around, with or without a vow.
I know I would wait through 100 - COVID19S, if it means I got to spend the rest of my life with the man I love most in this world.
Dont eat bats.
To my should be husband, for you i'd wait, till kingdom come.
I love you more then I will ever find a way to put into words.
L xx
And the wheels just keep on turning The drummers begin to drum I don't know which way I'm going I don't know what I'll become
For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
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